Siege of Spacerock

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Wars of Stanley the Tool
Stanley's Historic Battles, The Gobwin Knob Campaign, Destruction of Unaroyal, Assault on Jetstone, Faq's Homeward Blitz, The Magic War

Assault on Jetstone
Battle of the Expository Bridge, Siege of Spacerock

The Magic War
Siege of Spacerock, Battle of Portal Park, Battle of the Magic Kingdom

Previous battle: Battle of the Expository Bridge
Concurrent battle: FAQ's Attack of Progrock
Next battle: None
Siege of Spacerock
Conflict: Wars of Stanley the Tool, Assault on Jetstone
Date: 66 turns after the Battle for Gobwin Knob, 75 AW
Place: Spacerock
Outcome: Gobwin Knob Victory

Gobwin Knob

Jetstone, Faq


Gobwin Knob

Other Allied Sides



Other Allied Sides


Gobwin Knob



  • A few spy bats (non-combatants)



Gobwin Knob



37 turns earlier, Ansom shares with Stanley his plan to counter the expected Royal coalition that King Slately will assemble to stop the resurgent Gobwin Knob: a direct strike on Jetstone's capital city, Spacerock.

Prior to the battle, Queen Jillian is busy producing flying mounts and warlords in order to follow a plan of Charlie's.

Gobwin Knob arrives one hex away from Spacerock with an apparent all-ground force. The hexes are divided by a river, which is crossed by the Expository Bridge. Jetstone has assembled its infantry on the other side of the bridge, led by Chief Warlord Prince Ossomer. Tricked into thinking this would be purely a ground battle, King Slately had agreed to Ossomer's plan to deploy his casters and heavy units outside the city to stop them. As the Coalition had recently learned from the Destruction of Unaroyal, the only options against a Decrypting opponent are to meet immediately with overwhelming force or else completely withdraw to the capital.

An initial manoeuvre by Wanda and Ansom to capture Prince Ossomer was successful but led to a skirmish in which Jack Snipe and Ansom were injured. Interrogating the decrypted Ossomer revealed information about a hidden reinforcement column. Wanda proceeds with the original plan to lead an air assault against Spacerock's lightly-defended garrison with the intention of croaking King Slately; this would disband or convert Jetstone (since Ossomer had been the heir).

After the first turn ending prematurely for Gobwin Knob, the Battle of Expository Bridge continued with Haggar's forces softening the Gobwin Knob units up and Jillian capturing Ansom in the process. Jetstone's ground forces proceeded to attack and wipe them out before returning to Spacerock, where the ground infantry took up residence in the Atrium. Haggar's forces are then believed to have retreated towards their own capital, likely using all their remaining move in the turn, while Jillian withdrew with the goal of destroying several of Gobwin Knob's cities on her way back to Faq with Ansom.

Gobwin Knob's turn

Before the attacking force's turn Faq leader Jillian Zamussels moved to intercept and parley with Wanda in Spacerock's airspace. Jillian "agreed" to leave without a fight but instead of telling Vanna to go into the Magic Kingdom as she had claimed, ordered her to cast a spell arranged by Charlie. This Caster link enhanced spell forced Gobwin Knob to immediately end turn leaving Wanda stranded in Spacerock's air space and the infantry column without any air or caster support.

Coalition's turn

The Setup

Jillian's capture of Ansom caused Gobwin Knob to lose their Chief Warlord. Parson Gotti presented Stanley with several possible candidates for Chief Warlord among Gobwin Knob's forces in Spacerock's Airspace, however a suggestion spell cast by Maggie caused Stanley to promote Parson Gotti into the role and leave him to manage the battle. Parson quickly came up with a plan, contacting Jack Snipe to discuss Jetstone's likely response and ordered him to cast a Baffle over Wanda's stack before laying out his plan to both he and Wanda. (Charlie may have been eavesdropping on this communication.) Parson then ordered Sizemore's return from the Magic Kingdom, promoted himself to a field unit and proceeded to the armoury where he equiped himself with several Magic Items, intending to personally join the battle at Spacerock by passing through the Magic Kingdom with Sizemore's protection. Meanwhile, Tramennis returned from the Battle of the Expository Bridge and convinced King Slately to let him contact Charlie, who provided Tramennis information on Parson Gotti and strongly urged him not to parley. Charlie also tried unconvincingly to persuade Jillian to return to the battle to help Jetstone win its apparently-unloseable battle. Tramennis and King Slately discussed possible diplomacy with Gobwin Knob, including an alliance with a non-aggression treaty that would see them croak Wanda and take the Arkenpliers as opposed to simply croaking Gobwin Knob's entire attack force. They then made demands to Gobwin Knob for parley requiring them to dispell all foolamancy and bring the forces away from the tower but over the garrison. Parson ordered full compliance with screening stacks to be placed between Wanda and the tower before having Ossomer meet for parley and stall for time.

The Landing

As Parley began, Yellow Dwagons opened fire with Acidic Battlecrap attacks on the Atrium which destroyed the roof and croaked Jetstone infantry in the Garrison's courtyard. Tramennis responded by ordering the casters to fire the tower's Shockamancy spells on the Yellow Dwagons and order the retreat of Jetstone units from the Atrium where they were being croaked or, in the case of Duke Adam Antium, wounded. As Maggie reported the casualties of the Yellow Dwagons, Parson ordered the promotion of all Hobgobwins in the airspace to Heavy Units, causing their mounts to fall steadily into the open Atrium and land, together with giving the "Go" order to Wanda stating "Lets do Lunch". At this, Wanda commanded the uncroaked riders in the airspace to Harvest their Dwagons (a process which croaks the target unit in a single hit) causing the croaked Dwagons and their riders to fall into the Atrium, causing some of the riders to be dusted, wounding or incapacitating others, but still leaving a sizeable functional force. Wanda was incapacitated in the fall but a healthy Jack Snipe steered Antium away from her with a displacement spell on her croaked mount and Wanda herself, together with A Veil which disguised him as a Jetstone Warlord. This done Jack Snipe proceeded to cast a Healomancy scroll on Wanda. Jack recommended to a now-functional Wanda that they find leadership and re-stack. Wanda decrypted her fallen dwagon, and was almost attacked by Antium. However, he was inopportunely hit with a stray arrow and croaked. Wanda decrypted him for use as "leadership".


With Jetstone's arrows spent, Wanda decrypted all dwagons and fallen Jetstone units in the atrium while Prince Tramennis planned the evacuation of King Slately and secured the tower from attack. Upon Jack's note that destroying the tower would kill Slately and end Jetsone, Wanda ordered Sylvia to take the Purple Dwagons and attack it while she led the foot soldiers down to take the portal room. Once the room was secured, Parson sent Sizemore to create a tunnel under Portal Park from Gobwin Knob's portal to Jetstone's which he completed but not without attracting the attention of Marie and Janis. As the Great Minds That Think Alike arrived in Portal Park, Maggie reported it safe for Parson to enter and doing so, he set off the Dirtamancy Trap which enabled him to enter the Tunnel and make for Jetstone. However, Jeftichew, the ex-Unaroyal Carnymancer, tried to trick him with a spell ostensibly to return him to StupidWorld, and the Great Minds' plan was to retain Parson in the Magic Kingdom, to inform him of their purpose for him. Meanwhile, Sylvia began the attack on Jetstone's tower with the Purple Dwagons, blasting in the door, incapacitating Tremmenis and wounding several Knights, and noble Jetstone warlord Artemis lead a failed counterattack.

The Collapse

Feeling that his son, Trammenis, was a worthier ruler than he, King Slately asked his friend, Don King, for a loan to promote Trammenis to Heir Designate. Don reluctantly agreed, but due to Transvylto's poor economic condition, his commanders made a mass refusal out of Duty. Desperate for a plan, any plan, Slately walked in on an argument by his casters. As if in response to Slately's own thoughts, Ace Hardware presented his own plan; To make Jetstone's units stronger with accessories made with Dollamancy and clear the airfield. Slately agreed, in order to secure Charlie's bounty on decrypted archons. Ossomer was able to break the mental effects of decryption and turned back to Jetstone. As the tower collapsed, all present commanders of Jetstone save Cubbins escaped by flight. Cubbins himself fired all the tower defences at the archons, dusting many of them, but going down with the tower as a result.

Gobwin Knob's archons made short work of Ossomer and the king, but thanks to Lloyd's quick thinking, a Dittomancy clone of the king was created. Unaware of his true self's death and believing himself to be the real King Slately, the clone proceeded to dust many archons. As the archons lost leadership, they started scattering. They hid themselves with Foolamancy, but thanks to the clone's thinking cap, he was able to find and dust every single one of Gobwin Knob's archons, save one that Ace had captured.

The Trap

Trammenis was healed by Pierce. King Slately jubilantly explained to Trammenis what had happened in the air battle and how he could now promote him to heir. But then, the captured archon revealed to his horror, that the current King Slately was actually just a clone; the real King Slately was the one who had been croaked. Charlie proceeded to contact Slately, stating that he would save Jetstone for the third time by sending enough money to promote Trammenis. He also revealed that the true threat to Royal supremacy was not Stanley, but Parson Gotti, and related his plan to kill him.

Trammenis, most of the casters, and the bulk of Jetstone's forces retreated to Jetstone city, their original capital. King Slately and Ace Hardware proceeded to launch a charge at Gobwin Knob's forces. Lady Sylvia Lazarus had been unable to claim the garrison thanks to Cubbins being buried in the tower. The side effects of decryption and the revelation of her Carnymancy charm had been driving her to madness. Upon seeing the charge, she ordered the red dwagons to set the garrison aflame as a reckless gambit to ensure Gobwin Knob's victory. Captain Archer was dusted by Ace as he attempted to go after the king.

Meanwhile in the magical kingdom, Parson and the Great Minds were finally able to make an agreement. Maggie explained that Parson needed actual experience in the battlefield, rather than continuing to just imagine fighting, and the Great Minds allowed Parson access to Spacerock's portal. The Carnymancers attempted to stop him, but Charlie told them to let Parson through. Shortly after Parson and Jack entered Spacerock, Charlie ordered Slately to switch Jetstone's capital from Spacerock to Jetstone, shutting down the portal and making it impossible for Parson to retreat.

The Inferno

Ace managed to rescue Cubbins from the tower ruins and sent him off to Jetstone with a jetpack via autopilot. Sylvia managed to severely wound Ace, but because she had recklessly left her green and red dwagons too close together, Ace was able to dust one and set off a huge explosion, increasing the strength of the fire and destroying nearly all of Gobwin Knob's remaining units, apparently including Sylvia herself.

Meanwhile in the portal room, Parson realized that its closure must have meant that the King was in the throne room. Upon their confrontation, King Slately was able to destroy Parson's Staff of Suckage, but Parson himself managed to stun the king with a good kick. Ace entered the fight by knocking a hole in the wall. As Parson ordered Jack to fetch a dwagon through the new opening, Ace's dolls were able to blind and knock Parson down hard.

Jack chose to bring in a purple dwagon. Its sonic attack finished off Jetstone's remaining forces, but Jack lost control over it, had a fall, and croaked. Enraged, Parson broke the king's back and asked him why he had switched capitals. The king explained that he had done it to avenge Ansom and protect Jetstone. He revealed that the capital switch was a trap, and that Charlie had come up with the idea. He gloated that the fire had gone to inferno, leaving Parson with no chance to survive, and asked Parson to claim his prize. Parson threw Slately to a red dwagon, who crushed the King in its mouth.

To undo the trap, Parson asked Stanley to switch Gobwin Knob's capital over to Spacerock. Stanley refused, and before Parson could make his case, the thinkagram was cut off. Believing the thinkagram had been cut off by Maggie's dwindling juice, Parson attempted to send his message through by Eyebook, transmitting that by switching capitals, it would open the portal and allow him to call Sizemore in to put out the fire. But then, Charlie finally revealed his hand, causing Parson to realize that all Thinkamancy based communication with his side had been jammed. Believing Parson's Fate to have been sealed, Charlie proceeded to taunt him, saying, "I gave you a way out, Parson. You should have taken it." and urged Parson to use the scroll that Charlie had earlier attempted to have Jojo cast on him.

Charlie spent a calculation, forcing Parson to figure out his own odds of successfully casting the Carnymancy spell in the scroll - and, being magically bound to provide the answer, Parson began fiddling with his Mathamancy Bracer. In the process he discovered that in addition to being a warlord, he was also a caster of some kind. While calculating the odds of using the scroll, the bracer briefly flashed non-zero odds of Parson successfully casting the spell before displaying a 0% success rate. Parson abused the bracer's rapid calculation speed to determine what the non-zero odds of success actually were: 98%. The bracer also revealed a tiny, but non-zero chance of him casting a Dirtamancy spell to put out the fire. Parson then opened the scroll and began attempting to cast the spell, but Fate - the likely reason that the bracer had displayed a 0% success rate - caused a wooden beam to collapse and leave him incapacitated.

After an existential moment with Zhopa, Stanley came to realize that he actually did care about Parson. After some deliberation, he rushed to his throne to switch Gobwin Knob's capital over to Spacerock.

Adam Antium managed to lodge the beam off of Parson and shoved Parson through the portal. Marie hired a Healomancer to tend Parson's wounds and organized a defense against the Carnymancers, who took the opportunity to attack. Janis used Flower Power to halt the battle.

The Aftermath

After Parson recovered, he ordered Sizemore to put out the inferno, saving Adam Antium and the last two infantry in the hex. After a moment of thought, he had Sizemore build a pyramid around Spacerock's portal to the Magic Kingdom. Several casters in the Magic Kingdom tried to form an enforcement council to punish Parson for breaching the Magic Kingdom's neutrality. But using the pyramid as protection and cover, Parson proceeded to smuggle the bodies left from the battle into the Magic Kingdom for decryption and used the resulting army as his own personal guard.


  • Hippiemancer Janis has fetched Predictamancer Marie Lavraie and the two of them are heading for Magic_Kingdom#Portal_Park where they intend to see Parson Gotti enter the Magic Kingdom
  • Maggie has encoded a message into her G-String which she hopes the Great Minds that Think Alike will read, informing them that Parson will be passing through the Magick Kingdom to Spacerock. It is her belief that they will protect and/or assist him (particularly against the threat of any interference or attack from Charlie).
  • The battle as it has progressed so far has involved only one conventional Siege-type engagement (the Yellow Dwagons' destruction of the Atrium roof) and would certainly not qualify as a "siege" by the traditional definition of a prolonged assault on a fortified position; the battle having lasted less than a single day so far, with the invading forces already penetrating defenses in the keep. The Purple Dwagons' sonic attack through the wall against Jetstone forces including Prince Tramennis is...well...not conventional siege (at least by appearance at this point.)