Jillian Zamussels

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Jillian Zamussels
Race: Men
Faction: Faq, formerly Barbarian
Class: Ruler (Queen), formerly Warlord
Level: 9 (minimum)
Special: Leadership, Royal

Proposed Canon

"I never stabbed anything that didn't stop being an immediate problem."

Strengths: Fearlessness, Independence, Unrealistically Oversized Weaponry, Hack-slash-carve-stabbity-chopchop

Weaknesses: Manners, Subtlety, Knowing What She Wants

Jillian's Background

Jillian Zamussels was a mercenary warlord in the service of Prince Ansom's Royal Crown Coalition against Stanley the Tool's Gobwin Knob faction.

Jillian is now the Queen of the newly restored faction of Faq.Erf-b1.5-p037Same-site.PNG As a consequence of becoming Queen, Jillian is becoming more mature. She has been ordered by Don King to pop a Royal Heir. and is currently negotiating the terms under which she will agree. She has also formed at tentative alliance with Charlie.


Wanda Firebaugh

Wanda and Jillian have an odd, complex relationship. Fate caused Jillian to pop to help Wanda move on to the "next phase of her journey" and Wanda believes their two Fates are linked.

Jillian met Wanda when she was captured by Haffaton. At the time, Wanda was addicted to Heroine buds and required by Olive Branch to torture prisoners like Jillian in order to turn them. Wanda eventually helped Jillian to defeat Olive Branch, after gaining permission from Warlady Judy to change sides and join Faq. Jillian then saved Wanda's life, by making a deal with Charlie, who helped cure Wanda of most of the physical effects of her addiction to Heroine buds.

It is implied in Book 2 – Text Updates 010 that before the fall of FAQ Jillian and Wanda were romantically involved. They appear to still have had a romantic and very intimate relationship during the times when Jillian was captured by Gobwin Knob, but it's unclear how much of that is genuine, how much was the spell of control Wanda cast on Jillian, and whether there might be other factors involved. This relationship is implied to have originated from Faq during a flashback. It is unlikely Jillian knows that Wanda was unintentionally responsible for the destruction of her side.

When Jillian breaks free from Wanda's Suggestion Spell, Wanda absorbs the full damage from the spell's abrupt termination. It's possible that she absorbed this damage deliberately, in order to avoid harming Jillian. She asked Parson not to croak Jillian, immediately after the spell broke. Jillian for her part remained concerned for Wanda even after breaking free of Wanda's spell.

Jillian has repeatedly attempted to persuade Wanda to leave Stanley's side, once while being held captive at Gobwin Knob, again during a fly-by visit to Gobwin Knob before the Coalition attack, and yet again when they parleyed at Spacerock. Her attempts to influence Wanda was hindered by the fact that she didn't know certain critical facts about Wanda. Jillian did not know about Wanda's role in the First Battle of Faq or the prediction that Wanda would someday gain an Arkentool. Wanda did mention the Summon Perfect Warlord Spell in passing after she interrogated Jillian at Gobwin Knob, but Jillian still doesn't know many critical facts about Wanda's relationship with Parson.

While Wanda benefited during the Battle for Gobwin Knob from having secrets that Jillian didn't know, Jillian has secrets unknown to Wanda. Wanda probably did not know that Jillian had rebuilt Faq and become a Queen, until she decrypted Ossomer. She still doesn't know that Jillian's Royal Heir will pop fairly soon, or that Jillian has formed separate alliances with the Royal Crown Coalition, the Western Giants, and Charlie.

The two met up again at Battle of the Expository Bridge. Wanda believed that Jillian had come all this way for her, but Parson suggested that it might have been for Ansom. Reacting jealously, Wanda had Ansom sent off with the ground troops to prevent Jillian from seeing him. Wanda proceeded to parley with Jillian.

Jillian indicated that she was fond of Wanda, but opposed her side because she can't stand Stanley. Jillian offered to let Wanda join her and conquer the world together. Wanda initially rejected this offer, saying that she is loyal to Fate. The Arkentools are Fated to be brought together, and she needs to stay by Stanley's side to help this event occur. Jillian suggested that Wanda could still fulfill her Fate if she joined Jillian's side, but was under non-disclosure, preventing her from sharing details. Wanda indicated that she might take her up on this offer, if she could win back her trust by helping her defeat Spacerock. Jillian pretended to agree, but proceeded to force an end to Gobwin Knob's turn, placing Wanda in a dire situation.

Though unwilling to croak Wanda herself, Jillian took a great deal of satisfaction in leaving her to her apparent doom. Much to Wanda's shock, Jillian left Wanda to croak while stating that she was finally sure who she had come for: Ansom.

Wanda has since entered a strong state of cognitive dissonance. She is not quite able to acknowledge what has happened in her relationship with Jillian and reacts violently to Jack's pointed hints, but realizes that somewhere, she has made a mistake.

A few turns later, Parson cautiously asked her if she would be willing to arrange Jillian's assassination. After a moment of shock, Wanda enthusiastically agreed. She continued looking for ways to rationalize how Jillian could still love her and sought to decrypt her. However, Jillian's words eventually made it clear beyond a doubt that Ansom was the one she loves, causing Wanda to break down in tears.


Charlie was Jillian's main competition as a mercenary. She never trusted him, but did talk to him often enough to make taking his calls habitual.


The heir to King Banhammer of the Kingdom of Faq, she became a Barbarian when Faq was destroyed by Stanley during his rise to power.

Jillian holds her sword back as she prepares to engage Stanley's dwagon mount.
Jillian draws her dagger as she engages a wounded dwagon.

Jillian's Weapons

Jillian normally prefers to fight from the back of a gwiffon. She carries a large greatsword, and a dagger.


Jillian is a barbarian warlord, hired to lead Prince Ansom's flying units. She is a good tactical fighter, but reckless, and has been known to seek out combat even when it is irrelevant to the mission and contrary to orders.

Her personal relationship to Prince Ansom is ambiguous when the two first meet. She rejects an invitation to spend the night in his tent; however, she later approaches the tent as if reconsidering the offer, but walks away.

While flying a scouting mission, riding a gwiffon with a flight of orlys as support, Jillian encounters a group of Stanley's dwagons. She croaks a blue dwagon before she is captured and taken to Gobwin Knob.

When Wanda Firebaugh arrives to interrogate her, Jillian proposes that "both of us get out of here." Wanda's response is to strike her with a whip and instruct Jillian to address her as "Mistress". After Jillian complies, Wanda casts an unspecified Spell (presumably her Suggestion Spell to manipulate Jillian's actions).

After the interrogation, Jillian shows signs of considerable physical torture, and has apparently told Wanda everything she wanted to know. However, she is also chatting with her interrogator in an offhand, even friendly, manner. There is a strong implication (at least) of a sadomasochistic relationship between the two.

The following turn, Jillian is used as bait in a trap to lure Ansom out to where he could easily be ambushed by Stanley's Dwagons. The plan fails, and Jillian meets up with Sir Webinar and Dora, and then Charlie's Archons; meanwhile, Prince Ansom falls for the dwagon trap and finds himself surrounded. Ansom calls on Jillian and the forces accompanying her to hunt the wounded dwagons.

After a long search, with little Move left, Jillian et al. discover the dwagons hovering over a nearby lake. Jillian becomes conflicted: she knows her duty is to destroy the dwagons, but Wanda's Suggestion Spell is pressuring her to find a reason to do something else. The Archons approach her and engage her, trying to help resolve the conflict, pointing out the spell. Jillian makes her decision: she announces her love for Ansom via a Thinkagram, and proceeds to attack the dwagons. Parson responds by ordering the dwagons and uncroaked Warlords to attack to kill Jillian, but Ansom saves the day by coming to her rescue. The dwagons are wiped out. The leadership of the Royal Crown Coalition now expects to be destroyed by the remaining healthy dwagons from the circle trap. Jillian and Ansom spend the night on his flying carpet, permitting themselves a last moment of joy.

The attack never comes. Stanley has ordered the dwagons elsewhere. Jillian believes she knows where, but will only tell Ansom personally. They meet back at the siege train, and Jillian reveals her history to Ansom. She was popped as an heir to a Side named Faq by King Banhammer. Banhammer had been told that his bubble kingdom -- a kingdom essentially unapproachable except by air -- would someday fall. Jillian failed to meet his expectations by being a warrior instead of a philosopher. Since she had no real place in the idyllic little kingdom, she was sent to fight as a mercenary in distant lands with other Faq forces. One day, she received a Thinkagram that suggested dwagons were over Faq, and the next day she was a barbarian. She continued the mercenary lifestyle while trying to learn who might have destroyed Faq. Eventually, she heard rumors about Stanley the Plaid and his dwagons. When she learned about Ansom's coalition, she thought it was an ideal situation -- she could work as a mercenary against the most likely culprit responsible for Faq's destruction, while learning more about the candidate.

Stanley's uncharacteristic move with the dwagons suggested to Jillian that Stanley was headed to restart his Side in Faq. With the knowledge of Faq in hand, Ansom suggested she get to the site of Faq ahead of Stanley and become Queen of her re-started side. Jillian had not even considered that, instead wanting to intercept Stanley and ambush him. Ansom arranges for Vinny, the Archons, and other air forces to accompany her to a location where she can meet up with additional forces from Transylvito.

Jillian made a side trip into Gobwin Knob, instead of going directly to Faq. She intended to use the lack of dwagon defenses to mount a "rescue" of Wanda, whom Jillian believes is being forced to work for Stanley. Wanda declines, and the Archons reveal Wanda is under the effect of no mind-altering Spells, but during this conversation Wanda interrupts by unleashing Gobwin Knob's Air defenses, killing several Unipegataurs and the Archon Jaclyn. Jillian flies off towards Faq with a diminished force.

Charlie is not paid, so the Archons become free agents, leaving Jillian with just her gwiffons, some orlies, Vinny, and a few doombats. The next day they meet up with the forces from Transylvito. Caesar Borgata, the Chief Warlord of Transylvito, has brought nine other Warlords and a few hundred doombats. The forces set up with the doombats in line in front, commanded by Warlords, with Caesar providing a portion of his leadership bonus to all. Stanley arrives and attempts to punch through, throwing aside Caesar and his stack with the Arkenhammer's shocking powers. Jillian moves to intercept, discovering Stanley has brought the Foolamancer Jack Snipe with him. Jack's mind is restored when Jillian calls him by his real name, and Jack's awesome Foolamancy comes into play. He makes Jillian believe that she destroyed Stanley's dwagon, but instead flies off with Stanley towards the hex edge. Jillian spots a doombat stack in a suspicious position, with Vinny confirming it was not a Transylvito stack, and the pair correctly deduce that this is Stanley. It is, however, too late. They are unable to catch Stanley before he leaves the hex, headed back in the direction of Gobwin Knob.

Jillian spends the remainder of the day with the forces of Transylvito. At dusk, around a bonfire, Jillian is informed by Vinny that Caesar did not come here to fight Stanley, since he didn't believe Stanley would come in this direction. Caesar came to check on the cities of Faq, and to claim them for Transylvito if they existed. Jillian becomes angry, not because of the deception, but because she wants to finish off Stanley. Caesar approaches and informs Jillian and Vinny that the Battle for Gobwin Knob is finished, with all RCC forces eliminated, including Ansom. Jillian, enraged, attacks Caesar, who easily stops the assault. Caesar threatened Jillian, but Vinny stepped in and took charge of the distraught Jillian. They appear to spend the night comforting each other while mourning Ansom.

Jillian was then taken, as a prisoner in all but name, back to Transylvito to an audience with Don King, the royal ruler of Transylvito. There she was offered the resources to reestablish her former capital side, Faq. She reluctantly accepted this offer, but is slowly growing accustomed to the new role.

Real World References

Jillian Zamussels is probably a pun on "Jillions of muscles", a epithet suitable for a person relying on brute force and violence to solve problems.

Her familiarity with and relation to Jack Snipe is a likely reference to "Jack and Jill."

The name Jillian, in combination with the fact that she is a barbarian, is probably also a reference to the actress formerly known as Jillian Barberie, now Jillian Reynolds.