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Proposed Canon

Golems are magically animated Units. Frequently they are humanoid, but this is not a requirement. If a golem is destroyed, the remains can still be salvaged by a caster of the appropriate discipline.

Cloth Golems

An LFN and G-RAF cloth golem, along with two Battle Bears and other RCC units.

First Appearance: TBFGK 10

Cloth Golems are golems that have the appearance of large stuffed animals, down to being filled with stuffing. They are Heavy units. They are created by, healed by, and receive bonuses from Dollamancers. They include several types, including Battle Bears, G-RAFs, LFNs, and tankeroos. Holly Shortcake was well known as a Dollamancer who created many cloth golems.

Known Users

Battle Bears

Battle Bears have the additional ability of carrying and throwing large boulders, at their opponents or to damage walls. They served as siege units used in the Royal Crown Coalition and helped breach the Outer Walls of Gobwin Knob.


Tankeroos are mounts that look like aggressive toy kangaroos and carry their riders in their pouches.


LFNs are mounts that look like toy elephants and have the mass to crush smaller opponents.


G-RAFs look like toy giraffes. It is unclear what special abilities they possess, other than the obvious advantage of height to look over the battlespace.

Dirtamantic Golems

Dirtamantic Golems are created by Dirtamancers out of various earthen materials - stones, rocks, metal, and, erm, "soil," or Crap. They can be healed by and receive bonuses from Dirtamancers. Known types include Crap, Metal, and Rock (Soft, Hard, and Acid).

Known Users

Crap Golems.

Crap Golem

'If life gives you crap, make crap golems' - Sizemore Rockwell

First Appearance: TBFGK 53

This is a mass of crap animated by the might of Dirtamancy. By using shockamancy (possibly to detonate latent methane), they may detonate in a violent explosion. In-comic, this was trigger by having it's finger pulled by a Dirtamancer. When one crap golem exploded, its sound effect was a well known imageboard. Erf-b1-p126Same-site.PNG

Gobwin Knob had 19 of these on day 5. Erf-b1-p077aSame-site.PNG

A Metal Golem.

Metal Golem

First Appearance: TBFGK 79a

A golem, made of metal looking like a "heavy metal" musician. Most likely the most powerful Dirtamancy Golem introduced thus far, Gobwin Knob had one of these, according to Parson's Stupid Meal on day 5. Erf-b1-p077aSame-site.PNG.

Tin Golem

A Metal Golem variant used by Haffaton. Possibly unique.

An Acid Rock Golem.

Acid Rock Golem

First Appearance: TBFGK 79a

Made of stone, looking like a "Disco" or "Psychedelic" era musician when people frequently went on LSD or "Acid" trips. It also has psychedelic patterns running through it. Gobwin Knob had two of these on day 5. Erf-b1-p077aSame-site.PNG.

A Hard Rock Golem.

Hard Rock Golem

First Appearance: TBFGK 79a(Klog)/TBFGK 87

Made of stone in the shape of a Rock Musician. Gobwin Knob had four of theseErf-b1-p126Same-site.PNG on day 5 Erf-b1-p077aSame-site.PNG, presumably shown croaking marbits in the first Tunnel attackErf-b1-p087Same-site.PNG.

A Soft Rock Golem.

Soft Rock Golem

First Appearance: TBFGK 79a(Klog)/TBFGK 122

Similar to a hard rock golem, but presumably less powerful. It looks like artists from the famous band the Beatles, who were known for relatively "soft" rock. Gobwin Knob had nine of these on day 5. Erf-b1-p077aSame-site.PNG.

Hat Magic Golems

Snow Golem

First Appearance: IPTSF Text 19

Made by Wanda on the return trip to Haffaton. It was made of only three large balls of snow, with sticks for arms and small black rocks for features.


It should be noted that the Tin Golem used by Haffaton was given Life by Barton, a Dollamancer. Due to the unique nature of its construction, it could be a Dirtamancy golem, akin to Metal Golems, but it could also be a Dollamancy construct, possibly like a robot or similar automaton.

Other Possible Golem Types

There are several units that have not been explicitly been called "golems," but share many of the same characteristics of golems. Scarecrows, Molls, and Dolls are all non-living units that are animated by magic.First Intermission 13 However, it is not clear whether they are truly golems, which are created and designed by their caster, or if they fall more properly in the broader category of non-living units that use existing material (like uncroaked units which, while non-living and animated, use the corpses of the croaked as their medium).

Tchotchkes may be golems or may be separate class of unit.

It may be possible to create as yet unseen types of Golems from material such as wood or flesh.

Real World References

The names of the different types of Rock Golems (including Metal Golems) are references to genres of Rock 'n Roll music. Furthermore, the physical shape of each type of golem is reminiscent of the type of music they represent. For instance, in the case of the Soft Rock Golem shown above, the image looks strikingly similar to soft rocker Paul Simon circa 1968.[1] Similarly, four (presumed) Hard Rock Golems shown croaking a stack of marbit bear a striking resemblance to theme-rock band KISS.Erf-b1-p087Same-site.PNG[2] One of the other golems (possibly metal?) was stylized after the Comedian from the graphic novel The Watchmen.

Of the depicted Crap Golems, one is clearly identifiable as a dinosaur, one is a dalek from the television show Doctor Who and another resembles the titular character of the Schlock Mercenary webcomic.[3]

The Snow Golem is a reference to Frosty the Snowman.

The idea of a golem can be traced, through various role-playing game incarnations, to Jewish folktales and folklore describing animated creatures made from dust.