Quotes: Parson Gotti

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Various Quotes of Parson Gotti

Klog Entries

Book 1: The Battle for Gobwin Knob

24 uniques yesterday. That would be a record, sadly. - TBFGK 14

[Dude. It's July.] Exactly. Peeps are one of the small number of foods which are better stale. They start to get crispy in a few days. By July, they're solidly crunchy. - TBFGK 15

Quantum staleness. They're working on a supercomputer. Instead of bits, or qbits? It uses marbits. - TBFGK 15

You are about to command armies in a desperate final struggle for survival... between all that is noble and decent... and all that is vile and unholy, not to mention unspeakable. [Unspeakable?] I said not to mention unspeakable. - TBFGK 15

Whaddya want a soliloquy? You know why. Because my life sucks! My car is a rolling bomb. My job feels like an endless training film. Nobody reads my webcomic. This place is a hole. A condemned hole. For squatter hobbits. And to be honest, I don't actually find any of that stuff interesting enough to change. - TBFGK 16

I mean, strategy? Tactics? Logistics... systems... worlds? These are the only things that engage my interest. - TBFGK 16

See if I could, like, literally escape into one of these games, I'd do it in a second. Just snap my fingers and teleport in? Absolutely. Bam! Seeya! [PLOT] - TBFGK 16

Ow! Ow! Ow! Boop! Ow! My booping skull! - TBFGK 18

Wait... what is this "booping" boop? I can't say "boop?" - TBFGK 18

I'm... doing the "Wizard of Oz" thing. Or more likely... I'm having a stroke, or I'm in a coma. - TBFGK 18

Do you have a headache spell? - TBFGK 18

Boop me in the boop. - TBFGK 18

[You can't tell me this quivering pail of pus has lead armies.] Hundreds. No. I think... prolly thousands. - TBFGK 19

[He is alive, Lord.] Debatably. - TBFGK 19

And I'm kind of in a lot of pain, dude. - TBFGK 19

[And what kind of a stupid name is that?] My granddad's name? - TBFGK 19

Or everyone else is short. - TBFGK 19

[What would you do?] Any number of things. Depending on any number of other things. - TBFGK 20

Asymmetric warfare depends a lot on overlooked details. - TBFGK 20

Well, where I'm from, the highest term of respect is... "tool." - TBFGK 20

What the boop? That joke booped. - TBFGK 23

And I always did like to play the bad guys, which obviously we are. - TBFGK 31

What're you kidding? You've got all the classic evil creatures on your side. - TBFGK 32

So educate me. How are we not the bad guys? I thought everyone in the world was coming to kill us. - TBFGK 32

LordHamster: What the boop do you
LordHamster: test
LordHamster: Okay, you have to subvocalize. Oh, that is cool.

  1. - TBFGK 33

G'night, Sizemore. Thanks for taking my crap. - TBFGK 36

No, Bogroll, I can't think of anything that would represent me better than Hamstard... and two pizza stains. - TBFGK 37

It just occurred to me that I may have eaten my last pizza. And that makes me sad. - TBFGK 37

And yeah, I asked. There's no spell actually called "magic bullet." - TBFGK 38a

No but you were embarrassed about it. It seemed like a good comeback. - TBFGK 40

Wow. Were you always this scary? Even as a child? I kind of picture you as Wednesday Addams. - TBFGK 43

I need sleep. So... go up to my quarters and get some. Pretend you're me as you nod off. - TBFGK 45

Why would you care about levelling warlords that're gonna fall apart? Wouldn't you rather, for example, destroy about fifty enemy siege units before they can get to the city? [Um...] [That's what youdid?] Well yeah. For an opener. - TBFGK 55

His boops are in a vice. - TBFGK 60

... Yep. You did. You got him, Tool. - TBFGK 60

Waitwaitwait. Time out. We can veil our troops? - TBFGK 61

I mean, no offense. But talking to you can be like, I dunno... Trying to get directions to Philadelphia by putting 400 quarters into a gypsy fortune teller machine. - TBFGK 64

Wanda, your spell did not work as advertised. - TBFGK 71

All I want for Christmas is one uncensored cuss word. - TBFGK 71

Really not fair to do to him, Sizemore. 'm surprised at you. - TBFGK 75

I appreciate that you have my best interests in mind. But if you ever cross me like that again... I don't know. I'm sure there's something that a Chief Warlord can do to a caster. - TBFGK 76

When you know what you have to do, you have to do it. You can't sit there and let things happen to you. That's a fail. - TBFGK 76

I swear. This boopin' world... - TBFGK 76

This is hardball, man... This is booping hard core. - TBFGK 77

Like it's been made safe for children. The people even look like children. Except that then they die. What is that? - TBFGK 77b

Saline the Fourth, like... " Saline I.V.?" - TBFGK 78

So... why even have royalty? Doesn't seem that important, if you can just name an heir. - TBFGK 79

Can't describe my legs. Maybe "boop × ow10" - TBFGK 79a

Is this a real holy war, or just a bunch of deluded boopholes croaking each other? Too fine a distinction? - TBFGK 79a

[Fatigue has begun to be a factor, Lord.] Yeah, I bet. - TBFGK 84

What is life like for you, Bogroll? [A mystery, Lord.] Huh. Me too. - TBFGK 85

If you could have anything you wanted, what would it be? [To save your life, my Lord.] - TBFGK 85

If that... doesn't give you some strange power over me, sure. - TBFGK 89

How are you, uh... How're you doing for Mathamancers these days, Charlie? - TBFGK 89

But I think titles are kinda lame, don't you? - TBFGK 91

Royalty... is obsolete. - TBFGK 91

I work for a Tool. - TBFGK 91

That's higher than Royalty, dude. Stanley is your superior. - TBFGK 91

Ewps. Did I let that slip? - TBFGK 92

Y'know... as far as helping his own cause goes, Stanley is somewhere between Gilligan and Starscream. - TBFGK 92

Did you win? - TBFGK 98

Boop happens, Wanda. - TBFGK 98

You don't throw away people on your own team when they boop things up. - TBFGK 98

Almost everybody's got something... helpful to contribute. - TBFGK 98

If I gave up, I'd always wonder. For some reason, that's a worse idea than being impaled by a munchkin. - TBFGK 98b

LordHamster: omg h4x - TBFGK 100

But, uh. Then he asked me to calculate how many additional Archons he would need... So I'm feeling a little bit played right now. - TBFGK 103

... I'm glad you don't laugh. - TBFGK 103

Pshu. - TBFGK 105

LordHamster: I know you're smarter than that. You don't want any part of this hatchet fight. - TBFGK 105

Crappy way to make a job offer, Charlie. Kinko's told me I could have free copies and local faxes... - TBFGK 105

LordHamster: You have no idea what I'm about to do to Prince Ansom. - TBFGK 105

Ruthlessness? - TBFGK 106

Right. [M'Lord?] Ruthlessness. - TBFGK 106

We try things. Occaisionaly they even work. - TBFGK 109

Another one I can say. Hoooosed. Hosed, hosed, hosed! - TBFGK 112

If we hear a muffled boom, it will be because Ansom has exploded. - TBFGK 116

I never killed anything bigger than a spider before today, and now I've caused the deaths of a couple of thousand enemy units. People. Couple thousand people. I should feel horrible. The only thing I really feel about it is that I'm worried it wasn't enough. - TBFGK 116a

But if it is, there's this one thought I keep coming back to. How did Dorothy get out of Oz? Short answer? By killing. - TBFGK 116a

I just... Yeah, hi. Same to you. - TBFGK 119

Charlie, you boophole! - TBFGK 122

Don't say I never asked! If you're so Duty bound, you should've volunteered it! - TBFGK 124

Holy crap, guys! Plans do fail. - TBFGK 124

"Perfect strategy" does not mean one perfect flawless genius plan! It doesn't mean you never lose! - TBFGK 124

This is strategy. - TBFGK 124

First... you have a goal. - TBFGK 124

Look, you've taught me a lot, so let me teach you something, 'k? This is strategy. First... you have a goal. Then, you list objectives in support of that goal, in order of importance. Then, you weigh the costs and accomplish the most you can, however you can. Without even fighting, if possible! You've got bluff, subterfuge, diplomacy... lotta the time it's just "watch what the enemy's doing, and hit him where he's weak and you're strong." But, y'know... he's doing the same to you. And you can't be strong everywhere. So you fall back where he's stronger, and sometimes you do lose. But you roll with it. Yes, you plan. Okay? But the enemy won't follow your plan. So the trick is to be fluid, hit him on the fly, define his choices... watch for opportunity, like when he boops up. You have to know more than he does about what's going on. Which is why you don't withhold information from the guy who plans your battles! You see? - TBFGK 124

Which is why you don't withhold information from the guy who plans your battles! - TBFGK 124

Now what is our strategic goal here? [Ho-old the garrison.] Close. It's to render the enemy incapable or unwilling to take the garrison. - TBFGK 124

We have... maybe an hour before the end of the world. Which is cool. That's about when I would usually start cramming for a final. - TBFGK 124

Ansom's thinking he can overwhelm us with numbers. But that's additive. - TBFGK 125

Leadership, terrain, artifacts, specials, spell buffs... Dance fighting, for boop's sake. - TBFGK 125

So. Wanna know what I learned? [M'Lord?] Almost no-one in Ansom's coalition can dance-fight. [Oh.] 'know what else I learned? [What, Lord?] Uncroaked infantry, led by a master-class Croakamancer... can. - TBFGK 127

I'll take it. But I don't get it, and I don't trust it. - TBFGK 128

Oh that... could very well be game. - TBFGK 128

My life may end in a big song-and-dance number. - TBFGK 129

I tried to cast Luckamancy. Nothing happened. But if I have any to give... good luck. - TBFGK 129

LordHamster: :P :P :P Just tell him. - TBFGK 130

Tower down! Tunnels down! Wreck everything but the dungeon! Do your worst. - TBFGK 132

Wanda, set up a Safety Dance. - TBFGK 133

Then we didn't get enough. No, nowhere near. Nowhere near. - TBFGK 133

Who's running the Coalition now? Doesn't matter. Real question is: will they attack? Or will they end turn and wait for Charlie to help-- [FoxMUD bursts through a wall] Dude! - TBFGK 133

Call it the last... Of the last of the last stands. - TBFGK 133

You've done your best, guys. I'm not a caster; I'll have to stay and fight it out. Prolly die. - TBFGK 134

No... I've done the numbers. I think I can officially call this fight hopeless. - TBFGK 134

That, um, game I was developing at home... It had rules. But it couldn't be won within the rules. I wanted a game where the players had to surprise the GM with lateral thinking. So I was essentially gonna cheat them. Undermine everything they tried. Until they found a clever enough way to cheat me. To break my rules, and win. - TBFGK 134

Thinkamancer. [Lord?] Form a link-up with the Croakamancer... and the Dirtamancer. I want you to try and uncroak the volcano. - TBFGK 134

Then listen to me, Thinkamancer! I want you to- No, I order you... Nuh. Boop it. All casters into the portal. - TBFGK 136

LordHamster: TPK. - TBFGK 136

LordHamster: Rocks fall, everybody dies. - TBFGK 136

So I took a shot at the portal, okay? I don't know why I didn't disband. - TBFGK 140

Yer kidding, right? - TBFGK 140

I killed everybody, Wanda. [Yes. Good job.] No, I killed... everybody. Our side, their side... Everybody. This wasn't self-defense. This wasn't a general preserving his forces... This is apocalypse! - TBFGK 143

It's not a contest. - TBFGK 143

All right, if I'm honest? I did want to command an actual battle. - TBFGK 143

I mean, then... what's the lesson supposed to be here, Wanda? "Be careful what you wish for?" This isn't what I wished for! - TBFGK 143

Well, that would've been booping useful. - TBFGK 144

Gooood question. Wanda? - TBFGK 144

But his upkeep is zero? - TBFGK 145

I was talking smack, dude. To get you mad. Get you off your game. You had one big, obvious button and I was just pushing it. - TBFGK 145

Oh c'mon, "conquer the world." Right with what-- army. - TBFGK 145

You haven't found Bogroll? I was hop-- - TBFGK 146

So you're not technically Loyal to Stanley at all. - TBFGK 147

Are you saying I should be scared of you? - TBFGK 147

I didn't lose, Wanda. - TBFGK 147

Y'know what I was going to do, Maggie? What I almost did do? [What, Lord?] I was going to order you to break the link, but protect Sizemore and Wanda. Make you take all of the backlash, like you did to Misty, and Jack. - TBFGK 148

I really wanted to. Y'know? I thought you were a monster, for doing that to her. - TBFGK 148

Well, s'kind of a joke to apologize to me about it. You're only like... maybe the third worst monster on this mountain right now. - TBFGK 148

So how responsible am I? For this boop I caused? What's "Ruthlessness?" - TBFGK 148

Or a hamster into a pit bull... - TBFGK 148

Game over? Yes. Dream over? ... No. Boop. - TBFGK 149

Y'know... every time I swear, you remind me. You are controlling me. - TBFGK 149

What d'you have against obscenity, anyway? You're fine with this obscenity. - TBFGK 149

I won't be a gamepiece. - TBFGK 149

You hear me? I'm a player! Fuck... You!! - TBFGK 150

I haven't tried to 'invent' anything from my world here yet, but I might have to start with folding chairs. - TBFGK Epilogue 6

If I took a brick and threw it, and I hit Stanley smack in the middle of his forehead from here, what would happen? - TBFGK Epilogue 6

He was going to have to stop thinking like a general, or it was going to drive him crazy. He felt that very strongly. - TBFGK Epilogue 8

Somewhere out there right now, breathing and eating and maybe laughing or singing or crying... there was somebody like Bogroll. Or Misty. And standing here on this tower, thinking of an interesting and clever way to kill that person was probably going to lead to actually killing them. - TBFGK Epilogue 8

For... certain values of 'all' and 'right.' - TBFGK Epilogue 9

[But hey, like they say, you can't make an omelet without... you know.] Blowing up a city full of people. - TBFGK Epilogue 9

Oh yeah, we could've blown up the whole world. - TBFGK Epilogue 9

Really? That's awesome. Did he like the part where I killed him? - TBFGK Epilogue 9

Maggie! Back off. It's fine. - TBFGK Epilogue 9

I resign as Chief Warlord. - TBFGK Epilogue 9

Beats the shit out of a coconut. - TBFGK Epilogue 9

Book 2: Love is a Battlefield

Very nice. Very Jane Goodall. - LIAB Prologue 3

[What did it pop?] Columbus? Mostly frat boys and minivans. And orange construction barrels. Had an army of those, as far as you could see. - LIAB Prologue 3

Every day was a battle, Sizemore. We were invaded whenever there was a home game against Michigan. - LIAB Prologue 3

I would suckerpunch a Girl Scout to turn one of these into a Steak n' Shake. - LIAB Prologue 3

Did you think his ego... needed more help? - LIAB Prologue 5

Nice. Maybe you'll even move up to good jokes someday. Eventually. - LIAB Prologue 6

Ohhh yeah. Yeah. Those stairs were probably a bad idea after all. - LIAB Prologue 7

If Bogroll was still around, he'd be standing down below for some reason. - LIAB Prologue 10

C'maaaan. Why not? Thissis a fact-finding outing. - LIAB Prologue 10

Weeee... try things. Right, Maggie? - LIAB Prologue 10

Even his Bad Idea Bears™ ("Apple" and "Jack") weren't going there. - LIAB Prologue 11

C'mere you big... goddamn flyin' banana! - LIAB Prologue 11

It just... came down like a dandilion seed, but it's the size of what, a van? A bus? A short one, anyway. - LIAB Prologue 11

Yeah this prolly has a lot in common with riding a short yellow bus. - LIAB Prologue 11

I bet you think that was really stupid. Well, yes, yes it was. But you gotta admit, you gotta admit! I learned something today! - LIAB Prologue 11

And again, Tool, I didn't... know. I'm. Sorry. - LIAB Prologue 14

Protecting Lord Stanley's ego was everyone's business. - LIAB Prologue 14

Y'know, boss... You've never told me about that hammer. - LIAB Prologue 14

There were only a few basic functions of an Erfworld city. All of them were for war. - LIAB Prologue 15

No. I'm out of the 'scary' business. Or trying to be. - LIAB Prologue 15

Yeah. Right. But my talent has... I dunno, moral consequences. - LIAB Prologue 15

Like, I remember doing trigonometry in high school. But I'm not sure I could explain what that even is, now. - LIAB Prologue 17

Well... any sufficiently advanced riddle is indistinguishable from gibberish. - LIAB Prologue 17

And I am bored. - LIAB Prologue 17

What's the cure for curiosity? - LIAB Prologue 17

LordHamster: So be careful what you're sticking, and where. - LIAB Prologue 18

LordHamster: If you read that question again, Charlie, you'll notice that it answers itself. - LIAB Prologue 18

LordHamster: Determining the decision not to spend all the calculations. Cost: one calculation.
CharlsNChrg: :)
LordHamster: Teaching me that my bracer can make sophisticated predictions about the future? Priceless.

  1. - LIAB Prologue 18

If I understand things right, I could just like, order an Archon to take off her clothes and drop to her knees. And she'd do it, right? - LIAB Prologue 23

I mean I seriously would not have expected to react this way to this situation, but it feels wrong to me. - LIAB Prologue 23

Maggie I'm about twice the size of everybody here. What if I... can't? What if I, y'know hurt her? - LIAB Prologue 23

Hummina. - LIAB Prologue 24

He could order them to perform any sick, twisted, perverted, demented... awesome act he wanted to. Erfworld had suddenly given him a gift to fill the awful gaping hole in his existence where internet pr0n had once lived. And he knew, he knew it was wrong. - LIAB Prologue 24

They scared him. His power over them scared him even more. - LIAB Prologue 24

I can face the peril. I can spank the peril. - LIAB Prologue 24

Nobody laughed. But he was pretty used to that. - LIAB Prologue 25

LordHamster: Not to mention toilet paper. I'm so HAPPY! XD - LIAB Prologue 27

LordHamster: That is interesting, Charlie. Almost more interesting than toilet paper. Though my ass would disagree. - LIAB Prologue 27

LordHamster: I know business sucks, but that's no reason to start talking about suicide. - LIAB Prologue 27

Shocker. - LIAB 2

Um, my view is a... little different. - LIAB 5

We're in, like, the same blind position as the Coalition when they attacked Gobwin Knob. That makes me nervous, dunno about you. - LIAB 5

Are we sure she didn't recover that Sword of Ruthlessness or something? - LIAB 11

Burn the city. - LIAB 13

With you? Or with Ansom? - LIAB 13

Lolwut. - LIAB 32

Pffright. So at least it's a battle-tested bullshit rationalization. - LIAB 33

Got a real ugly idea already. - LIAB 33

In other words, because she's crazy and nobody stands up to her. - LIAB 36

Right, because the enemy is crazy, too. - LIAB 36

Okay. Well... then that's when we get them. - LIAB 36

It involves turning this battle into a food fight. - LIAB 36

Arright, so that's the plan, Wanda. It's simple, It's dumb, It's a cheat, and It may not work. And if It does work, It'll be a mess. - LIAB 38

You are the most emo optimist I've ever met. - LIAB 38

Stay alive, Wanda. By any means. That's an order. - LIAB 38

You know how I felt about this job, Maggie. 'Bout playing this like it's a game. [I do.] These are people. - LIAB 40

This one can be me. - LIAB 40

You put me in charge, Maggie. So I'm in charge. - LIAB 42

And one thing I told myself was, "I'm not gonna send people into battles I wouldn't fight myself." So I'm gonna fight in this one. - LIAB 42

As Chief Warlord, I hereby promote myself to field unit. - LIAB 42

Holy crap, the stairs got easier! - LIAB 42

No, we couldn't be that lucky. - LIAB 45

Because you always wanted to see a big fat guy do a fifty-yard dash in a suit of armor, underground? - LIAB 45

This place needs YouTube. - LIAB 45

Give Wanda the 'go' order. Tell her: let's do lunch. - LIAB 48

This means I could walk up to a dwagon and kill it with one punch, theoretically. That is almost awesome enough to try. - LIAB 48a

If we lose Wanda, we lose the battle. - LIAB 49

If I'm dead next turn, tell my replacement to put a priority on that. - LIAB 56

And... cue the Benny Hill music. - LIAB 60

I am not buying any candy to support your marching band. - LIAB 62

I've got places to go, people to kill... - LIAB 66

Start over, Mr. Rogers, Maggie did what now? - LIAB 66

How'd you do? You scared the crap out of me! - LIAB 73

Whaddya mean? How could he turn? Decrypted can turn? - LIAB 81

Yeah, well. Even if I believed you about the ruby slippers, I can't do it. There's a lot more people depending on me here than in Ohio. What am I gonna do? Go home, sit on the couch and flip channels while my friends fight in a war? I got people dying over there right now. I gotta go through. - LIAB 83

The weirdness never ends. - LIAB 85

Um, your friends are really going out of their way to be helpful here. Please make them stop. - LIAB 85

I'm saying you just did... like, mind control on your own Ruler to put me back in command. And not for the good of the side, either! For your secret... psionic wars, or whatever. - LIAB 87

Great. How many prophecies am I fulfilling? - LIAB 87

I don't have a plan! - LIAB 87

My "brilliance" can't get me through a goddamned door today. - LIAB 87

Yeah, I get it. You've got some important things to talk to me about. But there's "important" and there's "urgent." Getting through here is urgent. - LIAB 90

Keep digging. There's a "but" in there, somewhere. - LIAB 94

Makes me want to roll for traps. - LIAB 97

Difficulty level: Shit's On Fire. - LIAB 100

"Coss it's a trap." - LIAB 100

Kill them, and don't die. - LIAB 102

Roll nat 20s, everybody. - LIAB 103

I am not gettin' killed by frickin' Muppets... - LIAB 104

Come at me, Hasbro! - LIAB 105

Y'know... where I come from, we've got a powerful magic word... "Control-Z." - LIAB 106

I dunno, killing kings and stuff. - LIAB 107

Chuck you, Farley. Why are you so afraid of me? - LIAB 108

Cause you know I'm gonna find a way out and come after you now. - LIAB 108

Izzat my odds, or are you just surprised at the question? - LIAB Text 59

Jojo said it’s free will versus Fate. But I’m really just getting railroaded by two different GMs here. I dunno wha— Huhg! - LIAB Text 59

No. It was pathetic. I went in without a plan, and it showed. I didn't do the 'genius' thing this time, sorry. - LIAB 111

No. Hold off. Maybe I still got a 'genius' thing left in me. - LIAB 111

Stack 'em like cordwood. - LIAB 112

Shut up, Jojo. - LIAB 114

But if anyone takes a shot at me, or gets in my way again, then you can expect to join my personal guard. - LIAB 114

Now we can go to your place. And figure out how to kill Charlie. - LIAB 114

No, she's with me. She's the first matter I gotta sort out. - LIAB Epilogue 05

What am I supposed to do? Huh? I've trusted four people since I came to Erfworld. Bogroll is dead. Jack is Wanda's puppet now, so he's prob'ly a write-off. I'm pretty sure Sizemore hates me after today. And you've been playing me since the beginning. - LIAB Epilogue 06

Maggie, how deep in with these guys are you? Where's your real Loyalty? Somehow I doubt it's to the Tool. - LIAB Epilogue 06

And the ruby slippers were the Arkenshoes, I... can't believe it wasn't the Arkensaw. - LIAB Epilogue 07

If he has pants, I hope he's pissing 'em. - LIAB Epilogue 07

I've learned to ask these questions broadly, Wanda, because you like to hold things back and tell me that I didn't ask. So let me just say, is there anything else that happened today that I should know about? - LIAB Epilogue 08

Strategic Vulnerabilities Intelligence: we lack it. - LIAB Epilogue 09

His brain felt very naked. - LIAB Epilogue 13

We're gonna test out Charlie's defenses. And a few other things. Let's call this, 'Operation: Simply Walk Into Mordor. - LIAB Epilogue 17

LordHamster: Yeah, yeah. You're a wizard, Harry. - LIAB Epilogue 25B

Book 3: Hamsterdance vs. the Charlie Foxtrot

Magic Words

Alka-Seltzer! Pepto-Bismol! Gaviscon! We Didn't Start The Fire! - LIAB Text 59

(note: not actual magic words, but Parson was trying his best)