Stanley didn't really drink. When he was an infantry unit, drinking was like... a competition. But the other pikers could always outdrink him because of their size. Then when he became an Overlord, he'd discovered he still didn't like the taste of ale or whiskey. So he rarely touched the stuff. He supposed the bar was pretty neat, but he didn't think he needed to start drinking just because he had it.
"White rum," said the green glass to him.
His hand shot out and snagged the handle of the Arkenhammer from the bar. He brought it up en garde, threatening to smash the thing.
"What?" he snarled. His heart was pounding. He tried to con, but could see no points on it. It was not a unit.
"White rum," the glass repeated. "You need it. You're jumpy."
"White rum..." said Stanley.
"White rum," said the glass. "Behind you."
Stanley pivoted, half expecting some new phantom back there to jump out at him. But there were only the bottles of liquor. And one of them was glowing with a white aura.
Stanley held the Arkenhammer near the green glass with his right hand, while grabbing the glowing bottle with his left. The glass did not move, but the beady eyes tracked him. He set the bottle on the bar next to it.
"White rum," said the Overlord. He still held the 'hammer over the top of the tumbler's... forehead. "Right?"
"Right. Don't smash," said the glass. "Get smashed. Pour a splash."
"Okay," said Stanley.
You had to be decisive in a situation like this. He could have demanded answers from his drinkware, but that would have meant thinking up some questions. Better to play it cool, like this was no big deal. He unstoppered the bottle, and sloshed a little of the clear liquid into the top of the glass. The glass' rage-face turned to a grin.
"That's good," said the glass. Then the mouth returned to its angry scowl. "Gold rum."
"One more time. What was in it?"
"Splash of white rum, splash of gold rum, splash of dark rum, splash of overproof rum, splash of apricot brandy, lime juice, pineapple juice, ice," said the glass. It sat wedged in between two rocks at the edge of the hot spring, just across from Stanley. It was empty, he'd seen to that. His pruney hands tingled. Bubbles in the water tickled his legs and bare butt.
"That is a weird recipe," said the Tool, "for happiness." He rested his wet hair on the ceramic edge of the spring, closed his eyes and smiled. The room seemed to rock like a gentle boat.
"Not happiness," said the wooden mask. "You're not happy."
Stanley opened one eye. "Oh yeah? Feel pretty good right now."
"You're lonely," said one of the guardian heads.
"And mad," said the mask.
"You aren't mellow, Kahuna," said the glass.
The bubbling continued for a while.
"I'm drunk," was all Stanley could think of to say.
"Aye," said the glass again. "That's a start."
After another moment, Stanley pulled himself up to the edge of the tub and sat up, and said to the green glass, "Hey you can't tell me I'm not happy. You're not in my head. I'm in yours!" He splashed water at the empty tumbler, which didn't even do him the courtesy of flinching. "And you need a name, so I can yell at you."
All of the faces in the room could talk. They had been talking. But it had taken him a little while to realize that they were all the same person. Or, thing: the tower. The big giant ugly head he was currently living inside had some stuff it wanted to talk to him about. So far, that stuff mostly involved drinking rum and relaxing and achieving "mellowness."
"I am," said the glass. "I need no name."
"Yeah, you do," said Stanley.
"Fine," said one of the little heads by the carpet. "Name me."
"Jed," said Stanley decisively. "Jed the Head."
"I am," said the right guardian head, "Jed the Head."
"No wait, Fred!" said Stanley. "Fred the Head's better. Fredhead. Or Ed."
"Too late," said the mask. "I am Jed the Head."
"Ted?" offered Stanley.
"Oh come on!" said the Overlord.
"No," said the left guardian head. "It is sealed. I am named."
"Awww!" said Stanley. He punched a rock, and skinned his knuckle.
"Kahuna," said the green glass.
- ^con The term hasn't been used before, but it can be assumed that "con" is a word for "looking at a unit's points". Possibly short for "connaissance"
- ^cocktail Although there are many variations on the Zombie, this is the specific recipe that comes up when googling for "zombie drink ingredients"
- ^Kahuna Kahuna is a Hawaiian word meaning "priest, sorcerer, magician, wizard, minister, expert in any profession." In broader culture, the phrase "Big Kahuna" has come to mean simply someone who is the best at something, or is in charge.